the best autumn nail colors to make you wish autumn would fuck off and die already
weather: ☀️ santa anas
critters: sickness microbes
alright, alright, clickbait title, i don't hate autumn. i just get sick of the standard autumn nail palette. muted oranges and greens for fall? groundbreaking
let's have somebody who's sick of this shit (me) design a line of autumn hues to never wear, because i'm going back to nail polish summer as soon as i hit publish
canned pumpkin
- color: yellow-orange baby food
- occasion: taking a dozen pictures of the delicious pumpkin soup you made from scratch; realizing no angle or lighting condition can change that it looks straight up gerber
performative male
- color: that matcha paste in an aluminum tube everyone got mad at earlier this year
- occasion: using the atlantic to hide play it as it lays so people on the train think you're a regular tool instead of a gigantic tool
millennial greige
- color: medium french gray that makes your hands look like a necromancer's, but not in a cool way
- occasion: mocking nouveau riche southerners' mcmansions on zillow with your significant other
moloch the loveless
- color: cocktail ensemble, house of mainbocher, ca. 1955
- occasion: being unsure whether you were invited to this party as a joke
frap-poor-ccino
- color: starbucks milkshake, iced because it's hot out
- occasion: leaving that one secondhand clothing store in beverly hills without buying anything
cop killer
- color: dunkin' donuts espresso, still iced because it's still hot out, 170g sugar
- occasion: attending a whimsical but completely ineffectual city protest
daylight savings affective disorder
- color: the bluish gray of a light-polluted 6 PM sky (with starlink satellite glitters)
- occasion: remembering what they took from you
drowned fisherman
- color: genuine irish wool sweater ($350)
- occasion: creating an excel spreadsheet to determine whether it would be cheaper to live on a 10' sailboat than to have a real roof but continue enriching blackrock, knowing full well you throw up the second you leave the shelter of the harbor
wine mother
- color: another fucking berry/claret shade to add to the pile
- occasion: we are already dead