being only one person's type
weather: 🌤️ damp
critters: party people
it's a little scary being in a long term relationship and knowing that nobody else thinks i'm appealing. not that i'm on the creep for a different guy--i only love the one, and if he leaves me i will not love again. but there's always the fear that he'll be through with me tomorrow and, among other things i would lose, the only person who thinks i'm beautiful will be gone
almost anyone can achieve "fuckable" at least once. above the boring facts of fuckably-arranged meat, it's very different to be apprehended as a kind of artwork
talking about this kind of thing at my stately age is grossly insecure. i don't have any excuse but my upbringing. why should "hot" matter in any context? i guess growing up in southern california can make that a priority in a kid's mind. it's hard to shake off even in middle age. and if you're gay and not hot, people never like you as much
sometimes i wonder if pretty privilege is amplified in queer culture. being ugly or difficult or perceived as unapproachable is sometimes just as bad as being literally invisible
i've never been a good judge of my own face. all i can see lately in my default is the petulant expression of my mother when she is very emotionally wounded by an innocent comment and would like you to know that. but in more ways, i look almost identical to my grandfather when he was young; i have his downturned mouth and expression of lofty contempt
everyone sees it (the resting asshole face) except S, who reads it as fearful. i have wondered why for years. but if i don't understand his interpretation of the artwork now, then i doubt i ever will
S himself swears up and down that I'm the hotter of us two, but he definitely has the better personality. others go straight into his magnetic field even when they don't want to fuck him. if i'm as hot as he says, i wouldn't be treated as a sort of barnacle on his otherwise majestic prow. even strangers do this--like S attracts as much as i repel, or his hotness renders me invisible
i actually don't want to value beauty, or the acknowledgment of others. it sucks here