beauty and the beast (cherry's version)
a merchant asked all his daughters what they wanted from his business trip. the hottest one asked for a rare checkerboard-patterned petunia.
he got lost on the way down the silk road and found a huge palace with a vast and beautiful garden. he wandered around and spotted a checkerboard-patterned petunia, which he clipped off with his weed cutters. then a big snake appeared, called him rude and badly dressed, and took him prisoner in the oubliette of the big snake palace, which it turned out was owned by the big snake.
the merchant wrote his own ransom note by cutting out letters from an issue of vogue. it was delivered to his daughter by two sympathetic rattlesnakes because the letter was too large for one rattlesnake to carry. the girl instantly recognized her father's ransom note style, and followed the rattlesnakes to the palace with $20 in her pocket. (in 1400 A.D. that amount could get you an audi.)
she refused to hand the ransom over when she saw how rich the big snake was already. the big snake, instead of putting her in the oubliette for her insolence, was so charmed by her ballsiness that he freed her father anyway. then the girl told the big snake to think about what a dick he'd been with his wildly disproportionate punishments. as soon as he did, he turned into an apologetic hottie. the girl and the guy who used to be a big snake got married once he was done saying sorry.
the rattlesnake servants were turned back into a pop girl duo who had mysteriously disappeared ten years earlier after trying to pick some star-patterned magnolias. their new album was titled we weren't dead, we were just snakes.
fin
this is a transcription of a "beauty and the beast" story i told S one night about two months ago.