arbitrarily ranking every paper mario 1 boss
weather: 🌧️ whoa
critters: red winged blackbirds
you can't make your dad rent paper mario from the hollywood video during every school break from 2001 to 2002 without accidentally memorizing every inch of it. major bosses in order from my favorite to my least favorite:
the master. i just think he's fucking cool. i plucked up the courage to fight him a second time and regretted it when he whipped out his super saiyan form. and he was an honorable combatant even while dribbling me up and down the dojo. class act
monstar. a large intimidating spirit with what you think will be an ass-melting stellar death ray--then there's the reveal, making him adorable and a little pitiful. big fan of this entity
lava piranha. a framerate dropper of a fight, especially in the second phase, but there's a menace coming off of this thing when it erupts from the boss chamber's lava pool. i believe the youth call it "aura"
general guy. there's interesting variety in the phases of this fight, but he's also funny, like a little kid taking a game of pretend very seriously. the tank-mech vehicle made of blocks doesn't help his case
crystal king. great boss music, cool creepy guy. what is he? a ghost? the spirit of the crystal palace itself? the only knock against the fight is how long it can stretch out, though this is less of a problem with enough FP moves
tutankoopa. i think he's slightly too easy for being the second dungeon boss, but his fight music is bumpin and i like his chain chomp
tubba's heart. it's annoying he's up on a little platform so you can't hit him with ground-bound attacks. it's also annoying to be forced to use outta sight multiple times. but the mystery surrounding this boss on my first play was fascinating, and the truth is kind of gruesome for what is baby's first JRPG
anti guy. a strangely charismatic shy guy. his fight might be construed as unfair, but he's optional and gives you plenty of warning...and if you know the lemon candy trick, you don't have to fight him at all
bowser. everything that makes him an engaging boss fight is about the writing, not the combat. but it's still a good fight that poses a challenge to a kid player (or at least it did for me in 2001) and closes the story satisfyingly. he's more of a character in the paper mario series than he is in many other games
kammy koopa. you only fight her as a star kid, and it's more of an interactive cutscene than an actual fight. but kammy is fun and ridiculous so i don't mind
lee. way too easy, but duplighosts are cute so it's ok
chan. again, way too easy, but buzzy beetles are cute so it's ok
koopa bros. a little boring (when asked on the playground who my favorite ninja turtle was, i said "casey jones"). but you can get into a smooth rhythm to beat them. solid first dungeon boss
goomba bros. they have different dialogue depending on which you defeat first and their brotherly loyalty to each other is so very movie-yakuza that it's charming
goomba king. is this a major boss? i guess he has underlings, so that makes him a boss. he poses no challenge whatsoever, but knocking a goomnut into him and the goomba bros. is pretty entertaining
big lantern ghost. i like his bedsheet ghost look and big obvious legend of zelda weak point, but he's gimmicky irritating fight. at least beating him gives you watt, the best party member. all hail watt
fuzzipede. before paper mario, i'd played ocarina of time, whose third dungeon takes place inside a whale fish thing, and banjo-kazooie, whose third dungeon takes place inside a sapient biomechanical shark thing. so when a whale appeared in the toad town harbor and told me to get on in there, i sighed heavily and went on in there. i hate meat levels. anyway the fuzzipede fight is fine. he's an ornery little cajun(?) bug and it's satisfying to knock him off the ceiling (which is the whale's SPINE. i haaaaate meat levels.)
tubba blubba. not even a fight when he's invincible, barely a fight when he isn't. he's at his scariest when you're fleeing his mansion and not actually supposed to fight him
buzzar. he's totally avoidable, like anti guy. however, it didn't occur to me to lie when i first met him, and he kicked my ass. the trauma remains
blooper/electro blooper/super blooper. annoying fights, annoyingly required to progress...though i wonder if an extremely glitchy run would let me bypass them
jr. troopa. fuck this fucker. he's a bigger challenge than many of the chapter bosses, but only in the same sense that annoying DPS-check bosses in a WoW raid are "challenging." any satisfaction derived from hitting his KO'd noggin with a hammer is nowhere enough to make up for how annoying he is. hope you have the right badges
kent c. koopa. more like cunt c. koopa. the c stands for cunt again. the only reason he isn't lower on the list is because there's an in-game hint about how to beat him
huff n. puff. FUCK this fucker. i've never been able to beat him without cheesing the fight with a strategy i found online. this asshole barred me from shiver city for precious days of the game rental period